Kid birthday parties. Who cringed when you read that? Most of us moms have been to countless of these and in many cases would rather have a raging case of PMS with no Midol in sight than attend one of them. It can be especially stressful when it’s your own kid’s party and you’re hosting a crapload of sugar-seeking, sweaty young kids at your home who are desperate to be entertained. WINNING! (not)

I recently threw a party for my 6-year-old and decided to have it at our house because we have a backyard pool. I thought it would be easier and definitely cheaper. Overall it went off without a hitch, but the day did have its moments. The worst being when the dad dropped off his kid and said, “My daughter can’t swim at all and doesn’t like water. See you in 3 hours.” Outstanding! Thank you so much for bringing your kid to free daycare today, asshole. Shouldn’t the parent of the child who can’t swim want to stay for safety purposes?? That puts no pressure on the “responsible adult” to keep this little landshark from drowning, huh?! Fantastic.

Well despite the fact that one kid clung to the side of the pool, terrified to move, the entire time (and you know who I’m talking about), the day was a success. I’ve started to believe that the period of panic before the party is probably tougher than the event itself. I stress way too much about what could go wrong (a kid puking in my house.. something besides the birthday candles being set on fire.. a child forgetting to take a dump somewhere other than the pool..). I am not a big worrier by nature, but I have to admit that kids make me nervous - especially when a bunch of these little shits are together en masse.

So this year I decided to make a list of survival tips for kids’ birthday parties. I got so cracked up at the thought of using some of these that I forgot to have my usual pre-party freak out. Maybe they’ll help you too. Party on.

Top Ten Tips for Surviving Your Kid’s Birthday Party

1. Pre-party, get your doctor to prescribe something for anxiety.
   If you have a male doctor, blame it on your period. Talking about your period to any man tends to freak him out and make him agree with whatever it takes to shut you up.
   If you have a female doctor, she probably already prescribed something for you anyway because she knows you’re a mom and could snap at any moment. If not? Tell her you could snap at any moment.
   Taking something that has been prescribed for you is perfectly legal and you won’t get in trouble for being bombed at your kid’s party!
2. To save money, do NOT give out goody bags. Tell the kids their reward is that Mrs. Lion did not spank them at the party. (talk in the 3rd person too – they’ll be too afraid to question you)
3. However, DO give a prize for the quietest child, and announce at the beginning of the party that you will be doing so. If you’re really brave, just hand the winner one of the crap birthday gifts that your kid received at the party. (that’s a bonus money saving tip for you)
4. Ask each kid who their favorite person is who’s attending, figure out who has the most votes, and then let THAT kid run the party. Let’s face it, they won’t listen to your anyway if you’re in charge.
5. Hold up a beer and ask which kids know what it is. The ones that do probably have the cool parents that are worth getting to know socially. (you might as well get something out of this)
6. Play some Tom Jones music at the party. When the kids request the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber, tell them that this will be those boys in about 40 years so they might as well get used to it now. (those little musical jerks might even lose some fans over this – you’re welcome, parents!). If they want female singers, put in Amy Winehouse’s ‘Rehab’ because that’s where all those little Disney mini hookers are going to end up anyway.
7. If any of the kids seem bored and ask you what they can do, tell them to fix you a sandwich. (in the same spirit as #5, you’re in hell so you might as well get something out of this)
8. If a child actually says she’s bored, hand her a box of Clorox wipes and your Swiffer. If you’re really brave, have her clean up dog poop in your yard – or if you’re lucky like me, in your house! (don’t ask)
9. Make the following announcement – “Any child who invades my personal space has to rub Mrs. Lion’s feet!” Works EVERY time – no one will get near you. (don’t forget to keep the 3rd person theme going)
10. Wear your t-shirt that says “Gold Diggers. Like hookers….but smarter.” Some parents will be too afraid to let their kids stay. For the kids who do stay, make sure to explain the meaning of each of those words. That should reduce attendance at future parties.

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