Dryers are the biggest assholes of the appliance world because they instantly add 10 pounds to your weight when you put on your jeans. Dark LionJuly 11, 2012Status PostsPermalink
Everytime I forget to bring my grocery list to the store I end up in the booze aisle because it’s the only thing I can remember I really need. Dark LionJuly 8, 2012Status PostsPermalink
The biggest workout I get is resisting the urge to roll my eyes when you tell me all about your workout. Dark LionJuly 4, 2012Status PostsPermalink
75% of the people killed during the Salem witch trials were guilty of nothing more than successfully folding a fitted sheet. Dark LionJuly 4, 2012Status Posts
It’s a good thing I don’t live near an active lava pit, because I would have already thrown three people into it today. Dark LionJuly 3, 2012Status PostsPermalink
The calorie counter app on my iPhone doesn’t recognize crying four hours a day as exercise. This is bullshit. Dark LionJuly 3, 2012Status PostsPermalink
I’ve never seen a Werther’s butterscotch that didn’t have purse lint stuck to it. Dark LionJuly 2, 2012Status PostsPermalink
If I were a ghost, I would haunt people by knocking on their door as soon as they started masturbating. Dark LionJuly 2, 2012Status PostsPermalink
I caught myself singing “Call me maybe”, so I set my tongue on fire. Dark LionJune 30, 2012Status PostsPermalink
Dear hipster: no you do not look cool in your flannel shirt and toboggan when it’s 100 degrees outside. You look like a complete dumbass. Dark LionJune 28, 2012Status PostsPermalink
