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When I said I wanted to grow up and be a rockstar, I didn’t mean looking like Courtney Love when I wake up in the morning.

I believe in being honest with my children, so when they asked me where babies come from I said, “drunken moments of weakness”.

I don’t have Foursquare, but in case you’re wondering, I’m sitting in the Walmart parking lot drinking a jug of chocolate milk.

You know you’ve chosen the wrong nude resort when you arrive and notice all the patio furniture is wicker.

If you’ve never yelled to your kids from several rooms away to ask them to hand you something that was 10 feet from you, then you’re not doing parenting right.

I bet the people who left their Christmas decorations up last year are feeling pretty on the ball about right now.

A lady never throws a drink in someone’s face during an argument. She chugs that shit and uses the glass as a weapon.

There’s no scientific proof that briefly choking every human who makes eye contact with you can cure cramps, but I’ll take my chances.

I never Facebook on the toilet because that’s the time I set aside to talk to my kids.

Apparently rolling down my window in the carpool line and yelling, “they’re your problem now, bitches!!!” is frowned upon. Good to know.

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