October is always the month when my friends accuse me of being pregnant. It’s not a baby bump, it’s a baby ruth bump, you idiots. Dark LionOctober 6, 2012Status PostsPermalink
Ladies, if you’re in a bind, you can use a bagel as a hair scrunchie. Dark LionOctober 4, 2012Status PostsPermalink
In case you were wondering, you can definitely drink cake batter through a beer bong. Dark LionOctober 4, 2012Status PostsPermalink
The Grinch’s heart grows three sizes this time of year. My ass grows three sizes this time of year. Dark LionOctober 2, 2012Status PostsPermalink
Whenever I visit my friends, I secretly cram a slice of cheese in the DVD player so their bratty kids get in trouble. Dark LionOctober 2, 2012Status PostsPermalink
Time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again so I can score some free toilet paper on Halloween night Dark LionOctober 1, 2012Status PostsPermalink
If my kids say they’re bored one more time, I’m going to put all their toys in a pile and light them on fire. Dark LionSeptember 30, 2012Status PostsPermalink
If every mother collected all the random food that their kids leave in their cars, we could probably wipe out world hunger. Dark LionSeptember 29, 2012Status PostsPermalink
I’d like to thank the “omg-we’d-better-put-up-our-holiday-decorations-while-it’s-still-warm” stores for sabotaging my Christmas spirit before it’s even October. Dark LionSeptember 28, 2012Status PostsPermalink
Ambien: the nightime, hallucinating, out of your head, oh-my-god-is-that-a-hippo-wearing-a-tutu, so you can pass out, medicine. Dark LionSeptember 25, 2012Status PostsPermalink
