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Smiling at this woman in Target carrying around a tiny dog in her purse. Not because the dog is cute. But because I know that someday it will probably take a shit in there.

My kid is wearing one of my tube tops as a skirt. I guess it’s time to do laundry.

I will not make the large bag of Kit Kats my bitch… I will not make the large bag of Kit Kats my bitch… I will not make the large bag of Kit Kats my bitch… I will not make the large bag of Kit Kats my bitch…

The parents at this PTA meeting act like they’ve never seen anyone lick the inside of an empty Xanax bottle before?

I told my kids they could pick something from my closet for a Halloween costume, but they didn’t want to be whores from the 90′s this year.

Apparently the Mayans were aware of the timing of the Honey Boo Boo Christmas special.

I can’t participate in festive pumpkin carving this time of year because my family won’t let me have knives.

I put all my symptoms into WebMD and it told me I was suffering from being a total bitch. Sometimes they get it right.

I think Glade should make a plug-in with the fragrance of morning school bus exhaust because I can’t think of anything that’s more pleasant.

Unfortunately, I’ve already eaten all the Halloween candy I bought. Hope the kids like tampons and fiber bars.

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