“I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.”
― Al Pacino
You’re sure to check the ingredients of every new food you buy.
That includes the treats that they love so much.
And you know the weight of your pet right down to the pound.
Any deviation and you alter their diets accordingly.
You know, by heart, what human foods to never give your pet.
And if you own any plants, you’ve had to find ones that are pet-friendly.
Some, as you may or may not know, are toxic, such as this English ivy.
No matter how tightly your home is locked up, you’ll imagine some scenario in which your pet escapes.
Not to mention the countless other things that could go wrong when you leave them alone.
You’ve definitely had to fortify your furniture with stylish-looking coverings.
Clearly, going on vacation isn’t even an option unless you can take your pet with you.
But if you absolutely MUST leave your pet at home, you leave them with a most trusted friend.
Who is completely sick of answering your calls every time you check in, which is all the time.
You have the closest emergency vet on speed dial.
And for the tiniest scratch, you’ve been to the regular vet AT LEAST once.
You have zero regrets about it.
As a result, you and your veterinarian are on a first-name basis.
There are more animal toys lying around your home than, say, anything else at all.
And a literal library of pet care books and manuals.
If your pet sleeps anywhere but right next to you at night, you worry that something might be amiss…
In reality they’re like, “Lemme breathe, damn.”
. …even if they’re sleeping in that expensive new bed you bought just for them.
You spend more money on grooming your pet than you do on yourself.
If you don’t, you’ve learned to groom them yourself, from hair care to nail clipping.
You sit at work thinking ONLY about how much your pet must be missing you right now.
And of course, how much you’re missing them.
John Brown was a famous abolitionist and was hung in Charles Town, WV in 1859. One of his captors bought the land around where Brown was hung and was kind enough on it to build a mansion there. Needless to say, its super-duper-racist-haunted, guys. It can be yours for just for $1,200,00.
Ma Barker’s House is the infamous hideout for gangsters such as Al Capone. After the longest shootout in FBI history took place, Ma Barker is still said to haunt the estate and you can buy this gangsters paradise for just $1,000,000.
This house is the location of the Janet Leigh murder in the movie Psycho. It is a beautiful house that includes a pool and a small strings section that plays repeating discordant chords every time you open the shower. That’ll be $3,950,000, please.
The haunted Hinsdale house features a rustic, “kill- you-in-the-woodshed” kinda vibe and pictures taken here often include “shadow people” that you didn’t know were there. It can all be yours for $289,000.
The Hampton Lillibridge house in Savannah has had plenty of paranormal incidents, including apparitions of men in bathrobes and children’s voices whispering in the walls. The owners say that they’ve recently painted the house a ‘faint blue’ because that particular shade of blue wards off ‘spirits’. If that’s good enough for you, this house is available for just $2,800,000.
Hauntrepreneurs is a hilariously named company that specializes in making haunted house attractions. The mobile ‘Frightmare Package’ (again, hilarious) comes with a full spooky house, lighting, fog machines and it’s just $130,000.
The infamous Amityville Horror House house that was the basis of 11 scary movies in which families are terrorized by paranormal entities is once again for sale! You can buy the house in which Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family for just a measly $950,000. Keep the happy tradition going!
The Sowden House was once the home to George Hill Hodel, one of the prime suspects of the Black Dahlia murder. Not sold? Hodel’s son wrote a book claiming his father most definitely killed Elizabeth Short somewhere in the house. You can buy that room and a window that looks like a shark face for just $4,888,000.
The Schweppe Estate is priced at a paltry $12,000,000 but its real selling point is that Charles Scweppe killed himself here and there is a mysterious “ghost window” that for unknown reasons remains clean. The ghosts probably keep it that way so they can see your shining faces on open house day!
Lizzie Borden was a woman who in 1892 was tried for axe-murdering her father and step-mother. She was eventually acquitted, so feel free to purchase the home where she laid her head for only $650,000. There’s also apparently a Lizzie Borden-themed bed and breakfast in the area that sounds like a real hoot.
This $15,000,000 home is for sale too. There have been reports of alien spacecraft visiting the house up in the hills of Los Angeles, where it is also apparently on an Indian burial ground. Not to mention, in its abandonment the house has become the home of Satanists and drug addicts. So, yeah, kind of a fixer-upper.
The Kreishcher Mansion in Staten Island is supposedly haunted by Lady Kreishcer who is still mourning her husband Edwin (who shot himself in the head). The Kreischer family once paid their butler to kill a business associate as well. Be a part of that history for just $2,499,000.
In the Zillow ad the owners pitch this old Victorian home as “slightly haunted” but it’s “no big deal.” As in “Well, the neighbor found a human skull in the basement once and ghostly faces of the past appear in the mirrors. No big deal!” You can get it for $169,285 or rent it out for $650 a month.
There you have it LOL
Dealing with being catcalled like it’s NBD, and trying to look chic while flicking them off.
Having to wear a strapless bra or stick on bra.
Shit is ALWAYS falling down. Flashing everyone would be easier.
The pain that is wanting to look sexy in skinny jeans, but not being able to safely put on skinny jeans.
WHAT ARE THESE, JEANS FOR ANTS?
Worrying about camel toes.
It is nearly inescapable.
Having to shave, basically everywhere.
And this takes time and patience and almost ALWAYS ends up in blood loss.
If you have long hair, you have to tame it out every day.
Can’t just roll outta bed.
And if we don’t want underwear lines, we have to wear thongs.
Literal floss…for your BUTT HOLE.
Having a period.
Would you like to bleed through a crevice for DAYS? I didn’t think so.
And, as if having a period wasn’t enough, we get bloated on our periods!
It’s SO GREAT!
And we get hormonal acne!!!
Having to deal with ~emotions.~
Wanna have a good day? TOO BAD LOL! — Hormones
Trying to figure out makeup.
What is “contouring”…?!?!?!?!?
Trying to get the wings of your eyeliner to match.
WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS, ANYWAY?
And, if you decide not to wear makeup, being told you look ‘tired.’
Yeah, I’m tired, real tired of your BULLSHIT.
Wearing high heels, and pretending that it doesn’t hurt like HELL.
Blisters are now a fashion statement.
Participating in any sort of movement while also having boobs.
:: cries ::
Trying to find a bathing suit.
Hmm, do I want my boobs to fall out or show my vagina? LOL hard decision!
Burning your face with a curling iron/ straightener.
:: Tries to look pretty, makes it worse. ::
Not being able to take our shirts off when we’re BOILING.
Oh, don’t mind me, just dripping sweat all over the sidewalks.
Having to lug a purse around in order to account for all the things we might need.
Emergency Deodorant? Check
Trying to look FABULOUS then having it ruined by your hair sticking to your lip gloss/ Chapstick.
NO, YEAH, it’s fine. Make me choose between chapped lips and not eating hair.
Attempting to paint your nails, and having this happen.
Then having to pee and ruining it even further.
Having a time limit on when you can have biological children.
Constantly being asked when you’re going to get married / have kids.
WHEN I FREAKING FEEL LIKE IT. THAT’S WHEN.
Getting paid less than non-ladies.
BUT BEING JUST AS MUCH OF A ~BOSS.~