My interest in you might be fake, but my sarcasm is real.
I don’t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts.
The vodka and water connection.
He didn’t go to Jared… but he did go to the liquor store.
Shopping is better than sex.
The moment you wake up and realize your muffin top is now a pound cake.
I hate the part of the morning when I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Instead of saying “just being honest”…
I’d rather fly around with a stick between my legs than walk the earth with one up my ass.
I hate it when I’m drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
