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25 ways to pay back your kids when they’re older

 

“Can’t wait to pay back my kids someday by going to their house, trashing the kitchen, throwing a tantrum on the floor and never flushing.”

We posted this as a status on the Little White Lion Facebook page and the comments were awesome, so I compiled them into a list. Here are some of the best ways to pay back your kids when they are older (assuming they ever leave OUR houses…. shudder)..

Feel free to leave your comment below and add to our  list!

 

  1. Use half a roll of toilet paper each time you go.
  2. Bring them your laundry, complete with skid marks.
  3. Leave every light on in the whole house.
  4. Go into their bathroom, rub toothpaste ALL OVER THE COUNTER (and in the sink) and don’t wash it off.
  5. Lay around all day on the couch in your underwear and for her to come home with her new boyfriend.
  6. Eat all their food so it forces a trip to the grocery store, then go with them and beg for every single solitary item in every godforesaken aisle.. AND everything from the gumball machines..
  7. Take one tiny bite of dinner and then complain you don’t like it, even though you gobbled an entire plate of the same thing two weeks ago.
  8. Pee on the floor. Boogers on the wall!
  9. Anything they do for me I’ll treat like I can’t care less then when they look at me all perplexed I’ll say “I didn’t ask you to do it”.
  10. Stuff the washing machine so full that when it hits the spin cycle it melts the belt and catches fire.
  11. Crayons. White walls.
  12. Walk around without pants.
  13. Update their facebook status with something about how much they love their parents.
  14. Walk in with your laundry and drop it all over the place.
  15. Stack as many dishes as possible in the sink and act like you can’t see them there.
  16. Call their name over and over and over and over………and then say, “oh nothing, doesn’t matter now!”
  17. Claim sickness that can only be cured by a 14 hour Nick Jr marathon.
  18. Drink all the milk and put empty carton back in fridge.
  19. Make them wipe you when you’re done in the bathroom.
  20. Talk loudly when they are on the phone.
  21. Take money from their wallets without asking.
  22. Hide sandwiches under mattresses and in dresser drawers.
  23. Break stuff and say, “wasn’t me!”
  24. Leave the ice cube tray on the counter with two cubes left.
  25. If there is beer in the fridge, call friends and tell them you’re having A PARTAAAAAAYYY!

 

Copyright © 2012 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

Celebrity Letters to Santa Gone Wrong

We’re taking a break from our Holiday Songs Gone Wrong to bring you some twisted wish lists from some of the most talked about people in the media. Hope you enjoy!

{Disclaimer:  yeah, these aren’t real}

 

 

Thanks to our friend, Brett Watts, for conceiving this idea and writing much of the material. Looks like he will join the rest of us assholes here at the Lionz Den in getting coal in his stocking this Christmas!

Holiday Songs Gone Wrong – “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This song is a little bit different from the other songs gone wrong because it was not inspired by a drug, but this photo of holiday decorating awesomeness. When I saw this picture a couple of years ago and showed it to my boss at the time, he and I decided it deserved its own song. The following is the result of our collaboration. Enjoy!

Santa Claus’s Pants Have Come Down

Sing it with me to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” – here we go!

You better watch out,
When Santa opens his fly.
Better not doubt,
What falls from the sky.
Santa Claus’s pants have come down.

He’s taking a piss,
And shaking it twice.
Gonna find out who eats yellow ice.
Santa Claus’s pants have come down.

You may think it’s real creepy,
When Santa’s hand you shake.
To know that it’s not warm from touching
Mrs. Claus’s hot fruitcake….Oh!

You better watch out,
When Santa opens his fly.
Better not doubt ,
What falls from the sky.
Santa Claus’s pants have come down.

Copyright © 2011 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

Holiday Songs Gone Wrong – “O Little Town of Bethlehem”

I work at a pharmacy and several years ago, I wrote one of these to entertain my co-workers. They liked it so much, that I wrote at least one more each year dedicated to a specific medication. I am not encouraging rampant drug use at ALL… this is just a way to laugh about the stress of this time of year and have a little fun with some holiday tunes. Enjoy!

O Little Box of Valium

Sing it with me to the tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem” – here we go!

Oh little box of Val-i-um

How thrilled I’m to see ye tonight.

Santa’s a creep, I need my sleep..

The holiday rush a fright.

But in the cabinet shineth..

Your name in black and white.

To cope sans tears without ten beers..

Digest in me, tonight!

 

 

Copyright © 2011 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

“Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house”

That’s a Fran Lebowitz quote and it’s awesome… and seemingly spot on. A couple of years ago when my youngest daughter was 4, she hit a milestone that every parent dreads: she said her first swear word. (yep, she was only 4… shut up) Our family was on a road trip and had stopped at a Cracker Barrel for lunch. While waiting to order, she looks at me and said, “Mommy, fox is not a bad word. But F#CK is!” I was mortified, but not half as much as the four blue hairs sitting right behind her at another table. If those old ladies could’ve gotten away with beating me over the head with a big slab of chicken fried steak, they would have. After all, what happened automatically makes me a bad parent, right? Not in my book. (and for the record, what she said was accurate…)

This turned out to be a good learning moment for my daughter, as well as one for the parent who might have been responsible for her learning this word. **cough** Little ears are always around us and they pick up on everything. But would I rather her learn the F bomb from me with a lesson about not repeating it? Or would I prefer she learn it from her peers or Eminem and just hope she asks me about it? As much as I would like to teach her everything, there is a fine line between helping your kids to learn and exposing them to something they are not yet ready to understand. I believe it’s up each parent to make the call about what we want to try and control, what they can handle.. and whether or not we can deal with the fall out of them having this knowledge. (warning: this can be scary shit!)

As for the angry blue hairs that were so ready to revoke my Mother of the Year award, I don’t believe it was any of their business to be so angry about my child (CORRECTLY) dropping the F bomb. Since I am both a mom and a writer, I am constantly amazed by what offends other people. People take things personally that have nothing to do with them and I can’t relate to why they put so much energy into it (not to mention, where they find such energy)! When I was younger, I used to be much more sensitive about things but I’ve totally mellowed since becoming a mom and growing a bit more mature (those of you who know me can stop laughing now, m’kay?). Getting upset doesn’t really help anyone, plus it puts the focus into getting upset rather than finding a solution to the issue. So I put together a helpful – and ok, snarky – chart about how to deal with a situation where you took offense.

Despite my obvious smartassedness here, I do believe there is a time and a place for everything. And as much as I am a firm believer in freedom of speech, there are some situations where it should be a no brainer that you just can’t express yourself freely. There is probably no greater example of this than what I’ve witnessed while watching music awards shows. If you win an award, is it really necessary to tell the world that your agent is one big bad ass motherf#cker? It’s TV, dude, you can’t do that because it’s out there for the masses. Plus they’ll bleep out the bad stuff anyway, so your boy might hear that he is a bad agent, while your mom might think you called her a bad mother with a big ass. The good news is that the peeps at Teleflora would be happy to send flowers with a card that tells your agent that you think he’s a bad ass motherf#cker, so not all is lost. (while you’re at it, you might want to send some to your mom too)

To illustrate my point, please flashback with me to the Grammy Awards show of 2010. When Lil Wayne and some other artists performed his song, “Drop the World”, well over half of the lyrics had to be cut out, which destroyed the entire “performance” (a term I use loosely since the censoring took away the majority of the lyrics and the music right with it). Why did they even bother letting him perform this song? Or maybe other words should have been included in place of the ones that were no no’s? I like Lil Wayne, but this disjointed 3 minutes would have been better served if I had taken a pee break or by just listening to him on my iPod. Like with many situations that I find absurd, it inspired me to rewrite one of my favorite dance songs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17lkdqoLt44&ob=av2e). This is dedicated to the F Bombshell in all of us.

No F Bombs on TV (to the tune of “You Dropped a Bomb on Me” by The Gap Band)

Your rap we heard…contained swear words
Far more than can be bleeped
Per censor’s rules, we must refuse
Lyrics that are dir-ty
So we’ll take them out baby

No F bombs on TV….baby
No F bombs on TV
Take half of the song out baby.
No F bombs on TV….baby
No F bombs on TV

Can’t take the thrillz, of crude rap skillz
From of-fen-sive homeys
Didn’t bleep it out. We turned it off
We turned off the juice
We just removed the song….yea…

No F bombs on TV….baby
No F bombs on TV
We just turned it off baby
No F bombs on TV….baby
No F bombs on TV

Lil Wayne and company.
Were setting the lyrics free, mute button did apply
The sound just went bye bye
Can’t take the thrillz, of crude rap skillz
They were so dope baby, but we had to say nope

No F bombs on TV….hey baby
No F bombs on TV….baby
No F bombs on TV
But we turned it off, baby
No F bombs on TV….baby
No F bombs on TV

I…I..I…I.I.I..can’t hear the lyrics
I…I..I…I.I.I..can’t hear the lyrics